Less innocent and more interesting than naive sunshine.
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I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. I’ve thought, many times about ending my life. I’ve planned and planned and researched. Almost a year ago, I decided to really do it. Clearly, it didn’t work. I’m starting to reach that place were I’m okay talking about it to anyone. I feel there is so much stigma today that most people never speak about it. They just keep it hidden and try to keep going. Sometimes we can’t do it by ourselves. This is especially true when you’re depressed. Have you ever tried sailing with no wind? You have to have outside help to make it. Don’t get me wrong. You have to want that help and be willing to try.
I’ve been writing about my experience. Mostly for myself but I think it could help others too. Below are some clips from my writing so far:
I thought I was weak. That only those without strength reach out for help. Truth is though, it takes otherworldly strength to ask for the help you need, especially when it requires you to bare your soul. By letting trusted others know and sharing my darkest hours, I learned strength and I learned that I deserved that strength.
Hope is what you make when you have nothing. Seems a conundrum but it is not. Hope is real. Hope burns so brightly, I’m unsure there can be anything brighter or easier to obtain than hope. But for true hope, you must have suffered the darkness that we have within our soul. Yes, there is light and goodness in our soul but there is shadow. A shadow so dark that even demons can get lost. If you never know your darkness, your light will not shine as brightly as it is meant to. There is no way to make this happen. We all face our deepest darkness in whatever way we need. There can be no program or ritual to force this action. It’s a good thing too for often we are not ready when we think we are. We try endlessly to force things to happen because we believe it’s time for it in our life. If we knew it all or had all the power, why would we even be in that position? Ask yourself that. We wouldn’t. We could simply blink and all the details would be worked out. Pain and regret washed away. And we would shine.
I’ve experienced some patterns in my life with boundaries. My childhood was difficult. Who’s wasn’t? However, my childhood set me up to not have functional boundaries. I’ve spent a lot of time working on creating and enforcing functional boundaries but I often find that I have failed and must rebuild or rework them. This is okay. Boundaries need constant work. So, here we go! Let’s take a look at the five core symptoms of relational trauma. =)
These are separate issues but are all related. They feed off each other.
I still struggle every day with some of these. But I’ve seen how incredible the quality of my life is when I’ve done the appropriate work for these issues. It’s 100% worth it. I think my biggest one is the boundaries. To me it all revolves around them. My self esteem and taking appropriate card of my self is innately tied to adequate and functioning boundaries.
Also, this article on self esteem is fantastic.
Love is strange. Yes, we all know this. And why do we only have one word for love? How many different definitions of love are there? Romantic love, love between friends, family love. Love of a place, a holiday, a pet, inanimate object. Yet generally when someone says love, we all think of romantic love.
I saw a friend tonight that I love. Not in a romantic way but with every fiber of my being do I love this friend. I saw the pain on his face. I felt his pain. I was so moved. I have to help him. And I think I did. He knows that I care immensely for him. That he can count on me always.
Never forget that I love you. Never forget that I care. Always